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Weight Gain in Relationships and the Art of Supporting a
Dieting Wife or Girlfriend

"You know, when I met Jan, she was a tiny little thing. She
sure plumped up when she got herself a man."

I looked over at my friend Bob, who had just made this
observation. I wasn't sure whether to ignore him, or check his
forehead to see if maybe a temperature was making him

"Jan" is Bob's wife. They're still in the newlywed phase of
their marriage. For someone who has "plumped up" recently,
she still looks pretty good in a pair of jeans. I decided Bob
needed to get his eyes checked, pointed out that I didn't
remember him having that beer gut back when he and Jan
started dating, and changed the topic to football.

But I found myself thinking about that brief exchange later.
There's some truth to the fact that many couples gain a bit of
weight once they settle into the routine of a "twosome." Is
weight gain a natural side effect of love? Does regular sex and
someone to cuddle at night have the same impact on our
bodies as living on Big Macs?

If you believe the women's beauty advice columns in some
magazines or the banter of men in bars, you're more inclined
to think that women just go out of their way to stay slim when
they're single. We're conditioned to believe that men want the
supermodel body, so we starve and Stairmaster our way into
creating one while we're on the prowl for Mr. Right. When he
comes along, and we've got him snared, we celebrate by
shoveling in mass quantities of chocolate and cream cheese.

After all, he's ours now.

Somehow, I don't think that's really the way it happens.

So, Why The Weight Gain?

Contrary to male belief, your girlfriend or wife didn't have
some grand master plan to pack on the pounds after she had
you hooked. We like to look good in our favorite little black
dress, whether we're on your arm or not.

But eating with you makes us fat.
I'm only speaking from the personal
experience of myself and many of my
girlfriends here, and I'm not blaming
men for those few extra pounds. But
we've all heard of "the freshmen
fifteen," the weight gain experts say
college students can expect when they
leave Mom's healthy cooking behind
and start living on greasy dorm food
and pizza delivery. I call the weight gain
many women experience when they
settle into a new love the "relationship
ten," and here's how I think it happens:

She's a single girl, and she's been that
way for a while. Since she isn't part of a
couple and doesn't live with her parents
any more, she takes most of her meals
alone. After a hard day at work, she can
come home and slave over the stove to
cook herself a full-course meal, eat it in
front of her TV, and then spend the rest
of her night cleaning up after herself. Or
she can grab a handful of peanut butter
crackers and a yogurt, or maybe a Lean
Cuisine or a bowl of cereal, and call it a

Most single women aren't starving
themselves to make heads turn in a bar.
They're not starving themselves at all.
They're just taking the easy way out
when it comes to meals.

When she does go out to eat, it tends to
be with her girlfriends. Chowing down
on that burger and fries while her friend
who has to make sure she can squeeze
into that tiny number at next week's
party is nibbling at a salad is sure to
make her feel like a pig. So she orders
the salad too.

Then along comes love. Suddenly,
she's not just sharing dinner with her
cat anymore. Evening meals and
weekend brunches are something she
enjoys with you. She's much more likely
to prepare a full-course meal, partake of
the meal you've prepared, or order
takeout when there are two of you to
feed. Just because she was fine with a
cup of soup for dinner before doesn't
mean she expects you to be. If one of
you is making spaghetti and garlic
bread anyway, chances are she's not
going just have a bowl of cereal herself.

When the two of you dine out, the
portions she ordered that looked huge
next to what her dieting girlfriend was
having don't seem so outrageous next
to your meal, so she doesn't even
realize she's eating much more than
before. The pounds sneak up on her,
and the next thing she knows those
killer jeans are just a little too tight.

That's how relationship weight gain
happens. It has nothing to do with
snaring a man and then letting
ourselves go. It's just that our habits
change imperceptibly, without us even
realizing it.
For the sake of argument, let's say you're not the guy
who complains in the bar because the hottie you fell in
love with put on a few pounds. You love her anyway. In
fact, you think she looks great. She was almost too thin
before. But the weight gain bothers her, and she wants
to do something about it.

So, how do you help her along the way? What do you
do to let her know she still looks great, but encourage
and support her in her efforts to eat healthier and feel
more comfortable in her own skin?

Being with a woman who is trying to lose weight or
make healthy lifestyle changes can be a challenge. I
wouldn't want to be a man in this position. On the one
hand, she wants your support and admiration for her
efforts. On the other hand, she wants you to make it
clear that you love her and think she's beautiful just the
way she is. It's a fine line to walk.

Here are the Dos and Don't of Dealing with a Dieting
Girlfriend or Wife, as I see them.

Do: Ask yourself whether you need to make some
changes too.

Maybe the lifestyle changes your relationship brought
about had no impact on your weight or activity level. Or
may you're looking better than ever now that someone
is cooking for you and you aren't living on fast food
and takeout. Then again, maybe those cozy nights
curled up in front of the TV have packed a few pounds
on you too. If you want to lose weight yourself, make it
a team effort. Having a diet and workout partner can be
a strong motivator.

Don't: Turn it into a competition or expect her to keep
up with you.

Everyone experiences different results when dieting. If
you have more weight to lose than her, chances are
yours will drop faster. If your job involves physical
activity and she's chained to a desk all day, she'll need
more exercise to keep up with your body toning efforts.
If every weekly weigh-in involves you dancing around
the house because you've dropped three pounds to
her one, she's going to get discouraged and dive
headfirst into a cheesecake.

Do: Tell her how good she'd look in that skimpy

On a Saturday stroll through the mall, point out a cute
summery outfit and tell her how hot you think she'd
look in it. In her mind, she's thinking "no way you'd
catch me in that until these arms and thighs are toned."
But the fact that you imagine her looking first-rate in it
will make her feel good about herself, and the desire to
actually let you see her in the outfit will motivate her to
keep up her efforts..
Don't: Point out how hot that chick in the
skimpy number looks.

On a Saturday night at the pub, don't drool
obviously over the girl in the miniskirt and
barely-there tank top. We all look. It's a fact of
life. But when your girlfriend or wife is feeling
about a bit of extra baggage around the middle,
the last thing she needs to see is your bug-eyed
appreciation of Little Miss Bare-All.

Do: Take an interest in her health food.

Okay, so you think tofu is the dumbest invention
known to man and that eating celery sticks is
absolutely pointless. Keep those opinions to
yourself. You don't have to chow down on the
rice cakes yourself, but ask her questions about
why she's choosing what she's putting in the
fridge. Let her know you're interested in what
she's doing, and help her think through her

Don't: Bury her tofu under a pizza box.

Because honestly, that's just mean.

Do: Suggest alternative clothing choices if the
answer to the dreaded "does my butt look big in
this outfit" question is "yes."

Women know that asking this question just isn't
fair. You can't win. If you think her butt looks fine
and tell her so, but after a few drinks she checks
herself out in the women's room mirror and sees
an alcohol-induced hippopotamus staring back
at her, she's going to think you're a liar. If you
think her butt is a bit oversized for those jeans
and tell her so, she's going to either have a
crying jag, not speak to you for a week, point
out that you're no Arnold Schwarzenegger
yourself, cut off the nookie on the premise that
you couldn't possibly want to see her naked, or
all of the above.

There's no way out of this one. If the answer
really is that she should consider wearing
something else or put her at risk of busting out
at the seams, then you have to tell her so.
Instead of pointing out that her pants are ripping
are stretching in a valiant effort to hold her
backside in, try suggesting that she wear
another, more flattering outfit that you really like
instead. She'll know what you're doing, but
she'll appreciate that you're trying to be delicate
about the whole thing, especially if her remind
her that she's gorgeous.

Don't: Suggest a pair of sweats and a bulky
sweater instead.
If she believes that you think the best thing for her to
do is to hide under a tent, you'll never get her out of
the house.

Do: Be considerate when snacking around her.

So, you're Mr. Metabolism. You can eat a large pizza
and an entire bag of chips and then lay around doing
nothing all weekend, and still not gain an ounce. That
doesn't mean you should shovel in a bag of her
favorite snack food while she's nibbling a carrot. If
you're hanging out together and you get the
munchies, go for the bag of Pork Rinds that always
made her wrinkle her nose in disgust instead. She'll
be glad she's watching what she eats.

Don't: Change your habits completely to suit her

Not consuming mass quantities of her favorite food in
front of her is considerate. But she shouldn't expect
you to change all of your habits just because she's
dieting. It isn't fair, and it doesn't do her any long-term
good. Part of weight management is learning to make
healthy choices regardless of what's going on around
you. If she can only stay on track when you're dieting
with her and caves the minute you break down and
order a cheese steak, she's going to have a long road
ahead of her.

Do: Suggest fun and active things to do on the
weekends and evenings.

A big part of fighting weight gain is choosing to stay
active. The cuddly couch potato routine is nice, but
not great for the figure. Being active burns calories,
tones your body and keeps you from thinking about
food. Join a gym and work out together. Or just take
long walks around your city, park, or hiking trail. Do
yard work together. For evening outings, consider
something like roller skating, ice skating or dancing
instead of the more sedentary dinner and movie

Don't: Encourage her to join a gym with you and then
drool over all the hot babes in their workout gear
while she's huffing and puffing on the treadmill.

I don't think this one needs any explanation.

Do: Express interest in her efforts from a health

Let her know that you're glad she's trying to take
better care of herself because you love her and want
her around for a long time. Make sure she knows that
you care just as much about what her new exercise
routine is doing for her heart and mind as you do
about how quickly she's going to be comfortable
wearing a bikini again.
Don't: Become a drill sergeant.

Encouraging her to exercise or drink more water is
one thing. Dragging her to the gym when she says
she's coming down with the flu or criticizing the
number of pushups she can do is something else

Do: Preoccupy her during prime snacking hours
with sex.

Here's one that'll make you happy. Instead of sitting
around munching on snack food at night, put the
moves on her. Sex is physical activity. It occupies
the senses and takes away the craving for food.
Spending lots of time naked is a great motivator for
weight loss. The fact that you want her reminds her
that she's wonderful just the way she is.

Don't: Turn her off by complaining about food or
lack of it.

So you would have rather she cooked a lasagna
than offered up that chicken breast and string beans
for dinner. When she went to the grocery store, she
got Snackwells instead of Chips Ahoy, and you're
craving a fix. Just zip it and get naked. It's better for
you, too.

Do: Encourage her to have a treat now and then.

One of the worst mistakes people make with weight
loss is committing to a strict diet routine for a set
amount of time and then indulging in an overload of
old habits. To keep off the weight, you have to make
permanent lifestyle changes. It's better to generally
eat healthy and treat yourself to a favorite "bad for
you" snack now and then. Good food is one of the
joys in life. Let her know it's okay to indulge in a treat
once in a while, and that you'll enjoy your own much
more if she has a few bites.

Don't: Bring home a tub of her favorite ice cream.

If she's a mint chocolate chip addict, suggest that
you go out for a cone now and then. Don't have a vat
of the stuff sitting around the house waiting for her
PMS to strike.

Do: Notice her efforts

This can be difficult if she didn't have much weight
to lose anyway. But try. When she's successful in
her weight loss goals, she wants to know others can
see the difference. If she comes skipping into the
bedroom in a pair of jeans she claims fit much better
than before, compliment her on her success. Maybe
you can't see the difference, but if she's feeling a
change in the way they feel around her waistline,
she's got cause to celebrate.
Don't: Express obvious relief.

Telling her she now looks incredible in that shirt that
exposes a bit of belly is one thing. Admitting how
glad you are that the roll that used to peek out from
under it isn't there anymore is another.

Do: Reward her efforts.

Weight loss can mean sacrifice. She's not eating her
favorite things. She's exercising when she'd rather
be reading or watching her favorite TV show. Give
her some encouragement and a bit of a pick-me-up.
Buy her that new book, DVD or CD she wanted. Take
her to that museum she's been dying to go to, even
if art history isn't entirely your thing. Suggest that
she go shopping for some new clothes to show off
her success.

Don't: Buy her new clothes yourself, unless you can
guarantee you won't get wrong size.

If you buy that sexy lingerie and it's too small, she's
going to feel bad. Take her shopping and encourage
her to try things on for you instead. Pick something
out together. I know it sounds awful, but it won't kill
you. Besides, if you suffer through an hour in the
women's sales racks, she owes you.

Do: Discourage obsessive behavior.

This is probably the most important thing you can
do. Some people can become obsessed with weight
loss regimens. It is easy to cross the line between
making healthy choices and becoming obsessive. If
your girlfriend or wife is exercising 3-5 times a week
and generally eating nutritious, low-calorie, low-fat
meals, she's on the right track. If she berates herself
for missing one day at the gym, won't take a
vacation or participate in a special activity she
normally loves because it would mean missing a
workout, and refuses to let herself ever have a treat
she enjoys, then she may be crossing over into
unhealthy obsession territory. Remind her that she
looks wonderful. Tell her when you think she might
be crossing over into "too thin" territory. Let her
know that you miss the girl who would enjoy hot
dogs and beer with you at a baseball game or split a
candy bar and popcorn at the movies now and then.

Don't: Discourage healthy changes just because
they're inconvenient for you.
Wanting her to enjoy a pizza or a creamy pasta dish with you
once in a while is fine. Coercing her into unhealthy choices
because it's easier for you if you're both just grabbing a
cheeseburger for dinner or you'd rather she hang out with you at
night instead of going to her aerobics or yoga class three times a
week is selfish.

When you're in a relationship, one partner's habits and decision
to make lifestyle changes will impact the other person. She
shouldn't expect you to change your entire routine because she's
working towards a weight loss goal. But she should be able to
count on you for encouragement, support, and assistance.

I think back to my friend Bob and laugh. I'll bet if Jan decided she
wanted to make some dietary changes, he'd be the first one
complaining about the fish and veggies she made for dinner,
wondering where his smothered steak went but being far too lazy
to get it for himself.

Being supportive is in your best interest. She'll be healthier and
more active. Women who are feeling good about themselves tend
to be more interested in sex and less likely to assume you're
ogling every other girl in the room. Who knows, when she gets to
the point that she feels good about her body, she may never ask
you the dreaded "does my butt look big in these pants" question